Thoughts and Question
by MartiOwlsten
Summary: When the mind heals, some things, like love and affection, may seem new. A young Albatross considers this as she watches from afar... and the question she longs to ask. Originally a RM oneshot, now expanding slowly to more chapters. R&R. Serenity spoilers
1. River's thoughts, fragile and new

Disclaimer: I do not own Firefly, Serenity, River or anything else that isn't mine. Joss is boss, I'm just a borrower. Law-likes bring nightmares of loss and fear - not just to those of criminal intent, but to honest borrowers too. Is not everything relative?

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I watch him. 

He doesn't know it.

I confess, part of my mind - and heart - wishes he did.

It's funny, how old habits die hard. I'm better now, and they all know so, but yet… they still act as before. Some more than others…

Simon, for example. But, having to have done so much to care for me and deal with me for so long, I understand why he still does. He still treats me like I don't know what I'm doing, when I do… well, anything.

Like, when I watch him.

No, not Simon. _Him_.

And, you would think, that of all the people on Serenity, Simon would understand. Poor Simon. I feel that his mind will always be narrowed by his education.

And then, there's _him_.

More than anyone else on the ship,_ he_ understands me. I think… though I don't know why… he accepts it more than anyone else. Being of a sound, at least sounder, mind, I can control more of what I do. I don't listen to their thoughts so much. Especially his. I… I could find out why he accepts my recovery so well, if I really wanted to, but I don't. I find that I like the element of surprise, now. Not all the time, for he does want me to keep a… _mind_ out for problems, but for their thoughts. I like to hear actual voices, not whispers when I'm alone. I like to see eyes meet mine, not thoughts sneaking in through the back.

He trusts me, too. I really like that. I know that he needs me, yes, but he also trust me.

I miss Wash. We all do. But, despite the loss and sorrow, I revel in being useful and needed…

Even… wanted?

I wonder, sometimes.

He smiles at me, he speaks to me. He tries to ignore the fact that I could, can, and sometimes can't help but read his thoughts. For his sake, I try not to. I want to be surprised when he speaks to me.

I admit, everything is slightly new. Not really, but you see, when things were actually new, my mind was… broken. Fried. Now, I'm on the mend. I feel like I need to relearn some things, as I never learned them properly. One of these things is…

Hmm. Watching him.

I can't do it where he'll see, or he'll discover that I've learned a few new things, like how to hide things. How to hide… feelings. Ideas. Emotions. So, I have learned to watch him carefully, so he doesn't know.

And there are some other things too… and with them lies my new troubles.

He said he would teach me. Anything, anything at all. All I had to do, he said, was ask… I did tell him I wouldn't steal the information from his mind. I want to learn like anyone else.

But I can't ask this. Nor can I steal this, even if I wanted to.

How I wish I could ask him. I may… but fear is new, too. I never thought I would fear something as simple as a question. It's strange, how things like doubt and fear have found places in my mending mind, like scar tissue over healing wounds. I find myself sure, but unsure. Scarred and scared.

Oh, and I still have my moments. Moments when my mind fogs over and I can't express myself clearly and start speaking in riddles… at least he's there for me when that happens. It makes me angry and I start to cry… and there he is. For comfort. He… he…

Oh, he cares. He's held me.That's why I watch him, when my head is good and he doesn't see.

A darkness came and I couldn't fight it... I was angry and frightened and I felt myself run and then pain. Then, like a beam of light, he was there, holding me, rocking me, saying kind things to me until the darkness faded and all was clear again. That's when he said he'd teach me anything... allI had to do was ask...

If only he knew my question...

But I want to ask him. It is the one question I can't ask. Simon would _never_ understand… nor would he take to my plans. He'd fight me all the way. It would be bad… I try to get Simon to understand, sometimes. Slowly, I hint. Simon bristles and rages on about how young I am and how I must not be thinking clearly.

You would THINK Simon would SUPPORT me. _He_ wouldn't hurt me, I know that. Even if he tried, which he wouldn't, I could handle it. How many Reavers did I destroy? Well, I'm not sure exactly, as that's a part of my memory I like to ignore, but I'm fine. Poor, narrow-minded Simon.

I will ask him, sometime. I have to. Albatross or no, I'm still human – a fact that my brother will have to face at some point in time. I can't hide the truth forever… the crew learned that lesson with Miranda.

Yet, until then, I'll watch him. I am patient. I can wait….

For the right time…

For the right words and the right mind…

For my Captain.

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A/N: I hope you all like this! For the moment it isa one-shot, but I am planning on a chapter or two more from... another's point of view... please, read and review, and let me know what you think. You can't use "Oh, I didn't have time to review" as an excuse - I know, I leave reviews, and I know how long they take. All ya'all ain't foolin' me none. 


	2. Simon's thoughts on the matter

Disclaimer: As before, Joss is boss, I am simply borrowing some of this things and having a bit of fun with them. Even so, I fear lawyers. Please do notsue me. That is, I repeat, a do NOT sue me... I think there was some confusion before...

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I've seen her watch him. Kaylee, who is, bless her, prone to noticing that sort of thing more than I, noticed it first and mentioned it to me. 

But, of course, that doesn't mean anything. River watches anything. She, sometime back, she spent a whole afternoon watching dust particles in the air. Watching is meaningless.

Yes, I know that the incident with the dust particles was before the whole Miranda troubles, but she still does that.

We argue more, River and I. She just doesn't understand. It's not that I think she's stupid or even that I'm trying to protect her from… things... but I am her doctor, too. I am the only Doctor aboard Serenity, and I _know_ she is better than she used to be. How could I be the doctor that I am, and not be able to see that she has improved? She is better, but she's still mending. She even admits to having lapses. I've seen her, we all have. She doesn't even know when she's having them, even though she figures it out later. Well, I'm not sure if she figures it out for herself either, since Jayne, the ape with thumbs, is always keen to point out when she's had a bad moment.

But I took care of the watching.

That is the thing that River doesn't understand. Her mind isn't completely whole yet, so she can't understand. It may never be as it once was, as sad a thought as that is. Even right after Miranda, in the time when we were repairing Serenity, (yes, that was the worst for her, I could tell) I still found her all over the ship just… staring. Even, of all places and times, in my own bunk…

Well, that was embarrassing, to say the least. Not so much for me, as I know that she wasn't all there yet, and she was, well, innocent, but Kaylee was miffed for quite sometime afterwards.

Yet, even that wasn't as bad. I caught her, several times, watching Mal. I would find her in the oddest places, just watching him – probably probing his mind. I know she does that, but she can't help that. She's never been able to control that, but I just try not to think about it, too much.

I caught her watching Mal, and pulled her aside to have a talk with her. I don't think it was the talk she _wanted_ me to give her, but it was something that just had to be done. It was inappropriate, I explained to her, to just watch the captain. It would make people think that she was attracted to him, and that just couldn't be.

No. He is the _Captain_. There are so many things that make that type of thing inappropriate. In the first place, he would never look at someone like River, especially with Inara around – Malcolm and Inara may be thick headed and too stubborn to admit they care for each other, but we, the crew, aren't stupid. We can plainly see it. River, of all people, should be able to tell. True, things have been tenser between them than usual, but that doesn't mean things have changed. River will only get her fragile heart broken.

And, in a worst-case scenario, if Mal were to even consider River, it could never be. Inara isn't technically apart of the crew; she's just along for the ride, so that's fine. But, especially now that River has taken on a few cautious activities and such, Captain and Crewmembers shouldn't have a relationship. That's the proper way. I know Captain Reynolds isn't the most traditional captain, he's actually far from it, but he does know of propriety. Even if he did have feelings for River, which we all know he doesn't, he would never act on them.

And then… well, Kaylee disagrees with me on this, but they wouldn't match well, even if Mal wasn't Captain of Serenity. Consider the facts. He's older than her. Too old for her, if you ask me. Then, well, who can say how many women he's, well, um, dated? None of us know. I, for one, don't want to know. River is really too young for that kind of thing. Really! I know she's 19, but she does suffer from her child-like moments still, and… no, that just can't happen.

And, on a personal level, for all of Mal's good points, he's…. he's… well, he's too simple for River. River, once her mind has healed completely, will be intellectually far above him. In bringing this up, River slipped into a moment and told me I was thinking too narrowly, and that it was no different that Kaylee and I. Kaylee may have been raised to be simple, but she's a genius of a mechanic and is anything but simple, now. It is a completely different situation. It really is. No matter what Kaylee says about it.

I'm not saying that Mal isn't a good Captain, because he is. But he's…

He's just not good enough for her.

Poor River, she just doesn't see it.

But, regardless, she hasn't stared at him since I spoke with her. Well, she does, but no more than she stares at me or anyone else on the crew. I think it was a phase she was going through, really. Next week, she'll probably be watching Jayne. It breaks my heart when I see her and think of all she went through.

Yes, she's an Albatross.But, no matter what, I remind myself; she's my sister.

She'll always be my little sister.

Little River.

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A/N: I confess I didn't think I'd get the next chapter up so quickly... or that there would ever be a next chapter! I enjoy writing out these thoughts... perhaps there will be more points of view... but I think I'll be saving the best one(s) for last. Oh, and thanks to those who reviewed. What, over a hundred hits and only three review? All you LIARS out there, you aint foolin' no one! I leave reivews, I know it only takes a minute! (Aw, I'm just harrassing you all. I really do love ya.) We'll see how soon the next chapter comes out... there WILL be a next one. I swear. 


	3. Jayne's thinkin' 'bout it

Disclaimer: Ain't none of this here's mine, I ain't no gorram thief, so don't none ya'all go thinkin' about suing me or nothin'. And I ain't no gorram liar, neither, so you'd be better believin' me when I tell ya that I'm only borrowin' this stuff here. Gottit? If'n it's looking like it ain't mine, then it ain't, and if'n it's lookin' like it's mine, then it is!

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Why can't Kaylee just, you know, drop things? I mean like conversations and stuff. Now, don't no one go gettin' me all wrong here or nothin'. I like Kaylee just fine, she's prolly the best mechanic this here 'verse has seen in, well, I dunno how long. But, gotta say, once that gorram girl gets an idea in her head, she don't drop it fer nothin'.

It's so bad, I can't even remember when it was that she started bringin' it up. And I've got a decent mem'ry, not like the doc, but still decent, so that's sayin' something.

If ya ask me, she's just all drunk on love right now, that's all. Jus 'cause she finally got the Doc to kiss her brains out every chance they get – I swear, if I find them suckin' each other's faces off near _my_ bunk one more time… or in the kitchen… or in the infirm'ry... I'll strangle the Doc and be done with the whole blasted thing – she's a thinkin' that everyone's lovin' someone.

And what's it to her if anyone is, anyhow?

When she ain't fixin' somethin' or swapin' saliva with the Doc, she's always near me, goin' on and on 'bout how River's doin' something.

And that River. She's another thing all together.

Okay, so maybe I was hard on her 'n the Doc before all that madness at Miranda. And… maybe I shouldn'ta been. Just knowin' that she took care of them Reavers… well, that's somethin', I'll tell ya. I knew we were done for when she went and leapt through that door and it closed…

Yeah, I remember thinkin', poor girl, not even she can take on Reavers like that. Just too many of 'em. Too many… I knew the next time I'd see her, if'n at all, she'd be… broken… or worse…

Well, she sure showed me, killin' em all off. Now _that_ was somethin'.

S'long as she don't, you know, go sneakin' around me or clobberin' me from behind, I don't care what she does. Who cares if she's starin' at the Captain? She stares at everyone. I've seen her stare at a blank wall before, and that don't mean she attracted to it.

You'd think Kaylee, smart as she is, would see that. But, poor girl, she thinks the Doc is somethin' fancy to have and all manly, so maybe she just has bad judgment an' all.

I wonder if the Doc's ever gotten grease on those hands of his… blood sure, but has he ever tried to fix anything? Jus wonderin'.

But, say, if Kaylee ain't just been sniffin' too many engine fumes, and she's onto somethin', I say, fine. I mean, I think that Inara's pretty 'n all, but… well, Captain can say what he will, but he needs someone who'll stay, you know? Inara's all free and wild – kinda like me… tho, she get's paid to be all wild n' free, whereas I'm just innit for the fun. But, pretty as she is, she'll never have Mal. Really, she's just too stubborn for him. I can't blame the Captain for likin' her, but…

I don't see anythin' wrong with River, if'n Kaylee's right.

And I'm not sayin' she is.

But, she might be. I dunno.

I heard the Doc goin' on 'bout somethin' like River's too young.

Well, ain't nothin' wrong with that. She ain't too young if she can survive a horde of Reavers, like she did. And, no disrespectin' to the Doc, Captain, or River, but when yer out here in the black, you gotta take what you can get.

I know the Doc's all protective of his sister an' all. Considerin' what all she went through, and what he went through to get her back, I don't blame him. I can't say I wouldn't do the same, ifn' I had someone like that. Well, come ta think of it, I'd probably be that way with Kaylee, bein' as how she's younger than me, an on the ship we're all like family, kinda. All that Kaylee and I been through on this here ship… she's more like family than anything else I got, really. Vera, good and solid as she is, well, even I can say she don't count for flesh and blood.

Hmm… I ought to be talkin' some things over with that gorram girl…

But about the Captain and River… so what? River could do a lot worse, in my opinion. Not everyone'll understand her problems. Take me, for instance. When I'm talkin' with her, and suddenly she goes all moon-brained and far-eyed, I tell her to snap outta it. Oh, that put the Doc in a huff, I'll tell ya. Went on and on 'bout how she can't help it, and she's steal healin' and stuff. What do I care? The more she knows when she's doin' that, the better, I'd say. But, that's me.

I've seen the Captain. He's not like me with her. Oh, yeah, he's tough and all, but when she goes all starry and loopy, he's there askin' if she's alright and fine. He'll sit her down, too, until she's right again.

But, really, this is all assumin' that Kaylee's right.

I suppose I don't care much either way.

Now, speakin' of Kaylee, I gotta talk to her…

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A/N:Well, there's Jayne's point of view - that was fun to write! Please let me know what you think of this! No excuses for not reviewing:D


	4. Zoe's thoughts to Wash

Disclaimer: Joss is boss, I'm just borrowing some of his men… and women, as the case may be. Please don't sue me.

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Things have been… rough. I am doing better than I was, but I still have my rough moments. I don't cry in front of the others anymore. That seems to be an improvement.

I still miss you, baby. I'll always miss you.

But, you'd be proud of me. First, there's the cryin' thing, but also I ain't been thinkin' so dark. Please, forgive me for those dark days that I had after Miranda. I… I didn't mean it. I am glad that I met you, that I married you, that I let myself love you… and I'd never take my own life. I know, now, that you'd be wantin' me to carry onward.

I'll do that for you. What other choice to I have?

Kaylee's speakin' to me again. Just had to mention that. I was pleased. She wasn't for awhile. I think she was afraid to hurt my feelings or make me feel bad, discussing certain events of late in my presence. But, just the other day she asked me something about Mal. Things are slowly getting better – which is what I want. Not that I want anyone to forget you, but I had being treated like a piece of glass that'll break.

Mal thinks I'm losing my mind, I know, even though he's too polite to say so. Truth is, all of us are mourning you, even Mal. But, I say, I'm the worst. I confess, I still cry… but thinking about you helps, a little, even if it leaves me sad.

Despite what Mal does think, and what I used to think… I don't think you're gone forever. Maybe it was all the days spent with ol' Sheppard Book, rest his soul, but I can't bring myself to believe that I'll never see you again. It just doesn't seem right, you know? To have spent a lifetime with someone, only to lose them forever? I'll say, it makes you appreciate life, but it also leaves you with a hopeless feelin'. Had I still believed that, I would have lost my mind by now.

I don't know if you can hear these thoughts of you… I like to think you do. I like to think that you hear me silently telling you of things, and you are, somewhere, laughing about it and missing me as much as I miss you.

I just… Baby, I miss you so much…

Don't think on that right now…

Well, I know you're laughing at us now. Still, I'm not sure what happened, exactly. I haven't been the most observant person lately. It's mainly Kaylee, I think. She… well, she and Simon are now together. I think that's another reason why she wouldn't speak to me for awhile. But, despite that, the poor girl's been just drunk on love and whatnot. Most recently, she's been thinkin' that River – who's doing much better, by the way – has eyes for someone on the crew. Well, it can only be Jayne or Mal, from what I hear…

I'm probably wrong, but I do think that it might be Jayne. I've no idea why it would be Jayne, though… he and River have always fought so. They fight more now that she's thinkin' clearer than before. She's almost normal.

I really ought to ask Kaylee for the whole story… I'm not all sure. I only suspect Jayne because he and Kaylee have been fighting terribly in the last day or so… I don't know what has gotten into Jayne, I've never seen him act like this before. He's gone all… brotherly on Kaylee. Even I had to laugh in the galley when Jayne came marching in while Simon had reached over to kiss Kaylee while they were eating something, and Jayne nearly pulled a gun on him. Told Simon he ought not to be sittin' too close to her and had better be careful where he puts his hands.

You would have found it really funny. When Kaylee tore into him for it, I could almost here you saying somethin' about how you were confused…

I miss your jokes. I'm not good at jokes, I never was… not really good ones, at least. You were always there to make me laugh…

Anyway, given as how River and Mal are always up in the cockpit, I'd think that if anyone, River would have eyes for him. I dunno, maybe she does. Mal's different than he was, you know. I think Miranda had a big affect on him. Not that he's much different, mind you, he still has his quick remarks and whatnot, but…

Don't get upset with me, because nothing happened. Well, if you can hear my thoughts, then you'll know nothing happened. It was a few nights ago… I got too lost in my memories, and cried. I… I hadn't cried that hard in a very long time. Mal was outside, passing our… my bunk, and he came in and just let me cry on his shoulder. We've been through a lot, Mal and I have, but I've never cried on his shoulder like that.

I suppose you could say he… gentler… he's been there for River too, I've noticed.

River, as I said earlier, is better than she was. I think Simon said her mind is healing now that it's not burdened with Miranda and Reavers. But, even so, she has these times when she can't speak quite right and she collapses and cries. Each time, Mal is right there, before anyone else, holding her and rocking her until it passes.

Come to think of it, maybe that's what Kaylee was thinkin' about…

Maybe it isn't Jayne, after all.

Well, the way I see it, if anyone out here in the black can get a little bit of the kind of happiness that you and I had, Wash, all the better. I'm lonely now, and I'm broken inside, but I wouldn't trade a moment with you for all the money in the 'verse.

Oh, Inara wants something… I got to go….

I'll think about you more later…

Love you… still.

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A/N: Ah, I wasn't sure how to write in Zoe... butI knew I couldn't leave her out. She's one of my favorites. Well, I tried to lighten her thoughts as much as possible, since I want this fic to be romantic... eventually... but I'm thinking the next few chapters will be a little lighter. Just a little. I have three more viewpoints to go, and then I'm debating on a dialogue chapter... we shall see. Please let me know what you think of my ideas! I love feedback!


	5. Inara's Loss

Disclaimer: I am not, nor will I ever be a thief. If you use your head, it isn't all that complicated to understand – all this belongs to Joss. Is that clear? There is no need to sue me.

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I wish I knew what was wrong with me. Well, I'm not stupid; I know what's wrong with me. What I really wish, I guess you could say, is that I didn't care so much. 

And when did I start caring? Heavens, I can't remember. I'm… well, I'm…

Fool. It all comes down to that. I am a fool. A gorram fool.

I've… I've lost control of the situation. For the first time in a very long time, I have no control.

This, I guarantee, wasn't supposed to happen. Companions are not supposed to lose control. We never do. We stay in control of everything that matters: our hearts, minds, clients, pay, living quarters and the choice of which ships we travel with.

And now, look at me! I was forced back to Serenity, my shuttle here just can't seem to reclaim its former glory no matter what I do, I can't hardly find higher paying clients anymore, I could care less if I even _have_ clients, and I can't seem to think straight!

And… it's all because of my heart. And there isn't anyone to blame but myself.

Oh, believe me, I tried to blame Mal for it. For a time, I tried to convince myself that he'd just stolen my heart, that he been so… so… ruthless, sarcastic, intriguing and all over charming, just to seduce me. I tried to tell myself that he, like so many others before him, had been attracted to me and was just doing what he could to win me.

But no. Well, he was all those things, and he may have done most of it to try and seduce me at some point, but… that son of a … it was me. I…

I wanted him. But, at the same time, I didn't want him. I fought with him to try and make myself hate him. It didn't work. I handed part of my heart to him on a silver platter and held on tightly to the other part with fierce stubbornness. I'm a Companion! We are not supposed to fall in love, not with one person, not if we want to remain Companions.

And there was that one time where, after helping them in their heist, I thought of leaving being a Companion behind and fully joining them, but Mal wouldn't hear it. Did he not want me, even back then?

River made a note in passing the other day, I think she was having a "moment", as everyone seems to call it now. She said something about cake, of all things… I actually think I heard it said to me once, back at the Academy, when I was young; an old saying from Earth-that-was. "You can't have your cake and eat it, too." River had said, and only in passing. She must have pulled it from somewhere deep in my mind…

Well, to give her credit, she's right. I've always known this… isn't it like the Companion's silent creed? We can have this glamorous career and be worshipped like queens, treasured and highly paid, but at the same time we can't have what every human truly longs for: love. Not really. We are contradictions, in that respect. We aid the lonely and are lonely ourselves.

I've never felt like this.

And River… it's not her fault, but… I know. I just know. I saw her once, watching him, and I've seen the two of them in the cockpit. She's with him so much, laughing and learning, and he's there with her when she becomes unstable.

That's my trouble. I've seen the way he holds her, the way he cares for her. He no longer saves his cantankerous smiles and jibes for me. He no longer has them. River comes in, and he lights up inside. He now gives her simple sarcasm, teaching it to her, and he laughs when she responds. I… I never made him laugh like that.

He cradled and caressed her while she had a moment, and it hurt so bad I fled to my shuttle and cried. I ran into three rails and a wall on the way there, too. This is pulling at my sanity!

I couldn't have cake and eat it, too. I couldn't keep my job and have Mal, too. I was stubborn, and thought… Perhaps I was proud – foolish – and thought I could have both.

Now, it's too late. I've lost my chance.

I feel, in a strange way, connected to Zoë. My loss is a drop in the ocean to what she's gone through – can I have truly lost what was never mine? – in losing Wash, but I find that I cling to her more than I do to the rest of the crew. In her silence I find a kinship that echoes my sorrow.

I can't bear to be close to Kaylee – something I hope she doesn't notice… I don't want to hurt her. She's blissfully happy with Simon, and has proven her keen eyes by noticing what I've already figured out about Mal… I don't begrudge her Simon, but at the moment it only adds to my misery.

I feel like such a fool… he once fought to defend me, and now…

For the first time in a very, very long time, I've found a man that… that… doesn't want me.

I wish I didn't care… but, heaven help me, I do.

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A/N: I apologize for this chapter taking so long... my finals have been pressing on me, lately. Wow, though, this chapter was interesting to write. I know there's a lot of people that aren't going to like me for it, but I felt it had to be written. Next chapter should be much lighter than the last two... next chapter, as you may have guessed, will be from Kaylee's point of view. I'm looking forward to it, it should be fun! 


	6. Kaylee's been anoticin' things

**Disclaimer: I don't go stealin' stuff – ain't we been through this 'nuff already? Only thing bein' mine is the plot and idea… 's all I'm sayin'**.

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Rotten, gorram Jayne Cobb! I ain't never killed no one, 'cept some Reavers, and I ain't never wanted to… 'til now. Blasted Jayne! I swear, I'm gonna kill him!

Well… not all the way, see. Just so… he can't walk, or sumthin'… He's been all follow'n me 'round, which I ain't one for at all, and spyin'.

Yeah, I caught him spyin' on me, and then I caught him with Simon in a corner, telling him what-for, for no good reason. I mean, who does that Mr. Jayne Cobb think he is, anyways? It's like… well, it's like he's a-thinkin' his my brother, or sumthin'.

Like I said, I wanna kill him!

Every time Simon gets mushy, and I can honestly say he don't get all mushy very often, and goes to kiss me, there's Jayne, trying to tell me that I don't rightly know who all the Doc's been kissin', and I could prolly get sick from 'im or somethin'. It's hard enough to get alone time with Simon without Jayne actin' this-a way. River, I do lover 'er, I really do, but she was all sneakin' 'round for a time, and, I mean, after she went a-spyin' over his bunk and caught us right before… well, caught us, then Simon's bunk was outta the question. But now, Jayne's hangin' around my bunk, so we can't go there either. Poor Simon, he's afraid of Jayne, sorta. I ain't, but then again, I wasn't raised like Simon.

And that River… before Jayne went all putterin', I was startin' to notice…

Everyone says I'm not right, or that I'm confused, but I know how a girl goes and looks at someone she fancies. River fancies… well, the captain. I can tell. She looks at him (or she did until she caught me watchin' her, and then she got more careful) like I look at Simon… and now how Inara watches Mal, too.

Ain't it sweet?

I mean, I feel bad for Inara, 'n all, 'cause everyone knew she was shiny for Mal, but… well, waitin' ain't worth it. I waited all too long for Simon, I know, and Inara won't be givin' up her Companioning, so I say 's fine. I couldn't be with a companion… I mean, they're nice 'n all, but I like Simon. Not just because he's Simon, mind, but because he's one fella, and I know he ain't never gonna cheat on me, never… and I see him every day, and I'll keep seein' him every day. I know it's been hard for Mal to see Inara every gorram day and not be able to hold her or touch her. She can't 'spect him to wait forever for her, and not have no one…

Oooh, and that's another thing, too.

I ain't told this around much… see, I like Inara, she's a good friend, but I know this is what I've seen… and this would hurt her, and I don't want that… even though she needs to know, some time or other. But, hey, I'll get on to that later.

Anyways, as I was sayin', see, I also noticed that…

Well…

I think the Captain's been watchin' River, too.

Now, I ain't sayin' that I'm all right, I might be a little wrong, but…

Well, I saw last week how River was havin' one of her fits – which she don't get very much any more – and she kinda fell down and started rockin' all quick. I feel bad, but… I admit, I've been a little scared of River since she helped me shoot them men when we had to rescue Mal that one time, so I worried about if she'd know it was me, Kaylee, and not a Reaver. So, I went to call for Simon, thinkin' he'd be able to get her workin' better, when the Captain came in quicker than slidin' on engine grease and fell down with her and held her, rockin' her and talkin' soft.

I ain't never seen him do that before. I asked Zoë about if Mal had ever done somethin' like that, and she said she'd never seen him do that, but then again, he may have way before he met Zoë.

And, it ain't been the last time I saw it, neither. She asked him 'bout sumthin one day, and he said sumthin back – I wasn't close, so I don't rightly know what they were sayin' – and it she went all shiny and skipped away from him. He didn't know I was watchin', but I saw Mal watch after her, sigh all sad-like, shake his head, and go back to what he was doin'.

Now, really, what else would that mean? He fancies her, I know it.

I tried talkin' to Simon 'bout it, but he won't listen to me. He's a sweetheart, and I really do love 'im, but he still looks at River as a tiny girl, not a woman, like she is.

Then I tried talkin' to Jayne about it, but he wouldn't listen to me – and not like Simon's way. Simon does his thing were he goes and listens, then disagrees like I said nothin'. Jayne, though, just walked away, not even listen' to me. So, I followed 'im 'til he did…

Wait a gorram minute. That's when he went all putterin' on me and Simon.

Jayne Cobb! Where'd that man get to? I gotta say a few things to him, tell him a little about how he'd better back off...

I swear, iff'n he don't, I'll toss 'im on into Serenity's engine.

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**A/N: Sorry it took so long to update! I was suffering from terrible writer's block... but a small fic later, and I'm feeling pretty good about finishing this thing soon... we'll see. Please read and review - don't think I don't know you're reading and leaving. I can't write good stuff if you don't tell me how I'm doing... remember that! Thanks!**


	7. A Captain's Heart

Discaimer: I don't rightly know how many times I'll have to go on through one of these here disclaimers, but we all know I ain't not thief, and I never will be. I may be alotta things, but I ain't no dishonest thief. Joss is boss, an' I know that.

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If ever there was a time when I've been in a corner I couldn't get out of, I'd say this was it. Really, this takes the cake on all them others. Locked up, tortured, dueled, hunted – them are nothing to what I'm facing now.

If only Sheppard were here… for once I'd really like his advice… but, then again, I think I know what he'd say anyhow. Prolly somethin' about a special level of hell…

Ah, Gorram it all. I never meant for this to happen. Not never, ever. I'd swear on Sheppard's bible, if I had it here…

See, I needed a pilot. I needed her. And ever since Miranda, River's been getting better, every day. At first, we all saw, she was still a little… not quite right. Simon worried the damage would be for good – 'fact, I think he still thinks so. Even I thought that way, too, until I found her all upset 'bout somethin' in the cockpit. Seemed that River had gone and upset the Doc and Kaylee in his bunk, and she'd just run off.

That's when it first started, I suppose. I talked to her about it, and she said she was better but in a while she started cryin' and I didn't know what all to do. She jumped from her seat and made for the door – I'm thinkin' she was ashamed to be moonbrainin' again, in front of me – and was out into the ship, cryin' hard. It started in that I just meant to save her hands when she started beating hard on a cargo crate.

I took her hands and tried holding her, but she was so frustrated and wouldn't hold still, so I went to pick her up – she went an' fell right into my arms, still cryin'. She's so small…

I sat and rocked her, and she started talkin' to me 'bout how she has good moments now, how she feels like she's wakin' from a dream – can you believe it, I knew what she meant? I mean, it's River, who's been speakin' in riddles since I first met her – and how the cockpit was so quiet and… and on how it was nicer in my arms…

She was so embarrassed when she could think clearly again. To try and distract her a bit – or maybe to distract myself, I still ain't too sure – I offered to teach her 'bout Serenity and how to fly her. And… I said I'd teach her anything she wanted to know. All she had to do was ask.

And she smiled. She really smiled – that was, I'm guessin', the first real smile that River Tam has had herself in years.

So, over the next few weeks and months, she became my… _our_ little Albatross. She had some more moments from time to time, some bad, some not so bad. Then, it happened again – she cried. Not really knowing what to do, I held her again, and it helped. After that, I just started doing it more. I guess I figured it was the least I could do

I'd… I'd never held someone like her before. Oh, sure, I've seen women. I've known women. But River ain't like any of them. For the first time in a very long time, I held someone who trusted me completely. Not everyone does that. Zoë trusts me, but she doesn't always _need_ me. She's strong and I know that no matter what obstacle, or loss, she faces, she'll come out fine. Inara… well, she don't need anyone, it seems. Not me or no one… and even if she did, she'd never come out and say so.

Inara. I fell for her beauty for a long while – a good testament to how big a fool I am. I… It was bad news all around. After Miranda, I tried. She said she'd be stayin' on with Serenity for awhile longer, and I was really glad. I tried to make it work, to give us a chance. I wanted it to work…but, she's still a Companion. I'll be the first to admit that I haven't been the most virtuous man in my lifetime, but… why try making it work when she'll never be mine?

Is it too far fetched that someone like me could want someone to be mine? I've wondered that, from time to time. In the war I didn't, as I didn't think I'd live long. Now, though, things are changin'…

I never said nothing to anyone about it, but watching Zoë and Wash got to me. They had something to be envied. I was against it when they married – Zoë went against my direct orders to marry him. I thought she was crazy, or desperate, but… until then I just never considered that one person was worth putting so much on the line for. I didn't think it would last, either, or that someone as serious as Zoë could match well with someone as crazy as Wash.

I admit, they both proved me wrong.

Serious and crazy… would it really be worth it?

I know Zoe's been hurtin – I've tried to be there for her when I can. But, she mostly keeps to herself, and I know from experience that that's just how she is. Yet, even as sad as she is, she don't regret him. She ain't never said anything specific, and I won't ask her, but I can see it in her face when she cries. She cries from loneliness, not from regret. If she had regret, she'd be angry, not sad…

It would be worth it.

As the days go by, as jobs come and go, I find myself with River more and more. It ain't easy. She's not like she was before, except when she has a moment…

I can't tell now whether it was a mistake to have held her the first time or not. Now, whenever she gets upset I… I go to her and hold her. It makes the moment pass quicker, but the problem is that Kaylee and the others have seen me do it, and they each see it in different ways. Simon thanks me for being so kind to River, but insists that it isn't necessary. Jayne says I'm as looney as her. Zoë don't say much, but if she sees it, she'll just smile at me. I ain't seen Inara's reaction, she leaves when River acts up. Kaylee says it's right sweet of me, and then she'll go and skip off somewhere, usually following Simon.

None of them worry me. They can think what they like.

River, though, frightens me. She – even if she insists that she doesn't read my mind – has the potential to do so. When I think of what she'd find if she did get into my head…

I smile when she's in my arms. I can smell her – she smells like some kinda flower or something – if there is a heaven, it better help me, because I like it. I feel her hair in my fingers, her long hair, and I twirl it without thinking. She's so small… I know she can fend for herself – more so than any of our crew, for sure – but when I hold her I want to keep her safe. She curls up all tiny-like, but I notice that she ain't a little girl no more. I hear her whispers and mutterings and I hold her close, concentrating on her nonsense… and I know how she must feel. It's like I'm being given access to her thoughts, just as she can see ours. I try to just hold her, but each time I find myself wanting to do things, like stroke her face, rub her shoulders…

I ain't one to hope or believe in what I know can't be true, but for awhile I felt… I felt that she watched me. She doesn't now, so I guess its nothin'. I've imagined things like that before, with others.

But all the same, imagined or no, I do know for sure that there are some things I ain't imagining.

Like the more I'm with her, the more I want to be with her. The more she laughs, the more I'd like to make her laugh. I want to hold her even when there isn't a moment. I look forward to talking with her when she's thinking straight.

And the more time I let this go on, the more I don't want to let it change… and the more I start to see… her. I realize that I need her. Perhaps not in a physical manner, yet, but… I need her.

I need my pilot, I need my Albatross…

I need the person she's become.

I need… River.

* * *

A/N: Wow, the long awaited Mal chapter! There was so much pressure on this chapter! Honestly, I rewrote it three times, just because I didn't think the first few were good enough. But, I was pleased with this one... mostly. So, you all have been waiting (very patiently, I might add) for this chapter, so do be kind and let me know what you think of it. I can't wait to hear your reviews!

Oh, and by the way... I've gone through all the points-of-view, but I still have a large piece of story to tell. SO, I want to ask you reviewers (hint-hint), what would you prefer? I know the what I want said, content wise, but I would like to give you two choices: either I go back and finish thisup withanother chapter from River's point of view, or I write a chapter from an omnicient point of view. Would an omnicient POV ruin it? Or would that be nice? Please tell me what you think - I honestly can't decide... Or, wait for one last choice... I can also hold off and end it here and continue this with a omnicient one-shot. So, there are three choices... let me know!


	8. The Question and a Decision

**Disclaimer: Ah, I do not own anything here, except the plot, which is solely my idea. I do not own Mal, Zoë, Jayne, Simon, Kaylee, Wash, or my dear River, no matter how much I wish I did. Joss is boss, as usual.

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**A/N: Just some numbers to start with here… in the film, Simon says River is 17. For my purposes, I'm assuming that she was close to 18, probably had her 18th birthday sometime while they were repairing Serenity, and now, after some time, is almost 19. Okay, now I feel better…

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Space can be so dark and so lonely…

Am I the only one who wants warmth in all the cold?

Can one find warmth in such emptiness?

Will I ever?

Good question… 'course, that's not THE question. Is it possible to be too cold to ask a question?

Can a wild raging River, like me, find a way to tame myself? Hmm.

"You doin' alright?"

Perhaps I can't. Can someone else, then?

It stands to reason that, as a raging River, one who does have the capacity to be calm and tame, would have someone who could make it so… but would anyone? Hmm.

"Little Albatross?"

Would the mighty solitary forest give it's all to dam the River, to tame it?

Or would it not, in fear of being swept away?

And what of those who deem the River a lost cause? Hmm.

"River?

Oops.

"Yes?" I ask, turning to face him, sitting in the seat next to me.

He flashes a smile to me, "You okay? You seem a little… distant."

He has several smiles, you know. I've counted them. The one he gives me, when it's just he and I, is my favorite.

Now he's worried about me. I don't need to read his thoughts to know that he's worried I'm losing my thoughts again. My 'moments', the crew calls them.

"I'm fine, Mal," I say calmly, turning to the stars again, "Space just started me thinking on things, that's all."

He long since asked me to call him Mal.

From the corner of my eye, I can see his 'curious' smile. It's another one, fairly new, that he saves for me. I like that one, too.

"We got some time before we reach our destination," he says, leaning back in his chair, which used to be Wash's. It will always be Wash's chair. At least, it will as long as I still hear his thoughts inside my own; echoes of the past. "What were you thinkin' about?"

Oh dear. Should I tell him?

Better not…

"Space…" I sound evasive, even by my ears.

Mal gives me another look. I know he expects this behavior from me. Increasingly, as my mind finds clarity, I find myself thinking of him. Not perhaps by name, but still of him. In a way, he fogs my thoughts… and when asked directly why, I become evasive. I have to be…

So far, he seems confident that I am really wondering about trees and forests.

"More trees?" he askes with a small laugh. I nod. "So, how did you get from space to trees?"

He's watching me… no, I won't check his mind… I want to know what he thinks of me, but I understand the surprises are far sweeter. I like the look he gives me when he surprises me.

I sigh and try to relax.

"Well, there's space," I answer, doing my best to be honest, "And space is cold. It's a void of cold… cold is merely the absence of heat…" there's a flaw in my logic. I can feel it. Where is it? "Then…there's cold as ice, but with heat ice will melt…" where is it? Something's wrong… my logic's hazy… no, not now… please not now…

"Ice is water… hydrogen… forests and… immovable…."

"River?"

I feel the panic rise. I'm doing it again. I know it…. Where is the logical flaw? Six degrees of separation… right? No, left… there's a flaw… perplexing… illogical… cloudy darkness… hazy logic… lies, untruthful lies… too many questions! Too many questions!

Mal…

"River?"

* * *

"Ice is water… hydrogen… forests and… immovable…." 

I knew it was coming, I could see it. Poor thing, her eyes cloud over and she starts to cry…

"River?" she starts shaking her head. "River?" I say again, trying to get her attention, but it doesn't work.

Her eyes close, she whispers my name, "Mal…"

If she only knew… eh, no time for thoughts like that right now.

I get up and I'm at her side in a flash. We've been through this enough that I don't even ask permission, I just pick her up. I get down by her chair, reach my arms around her and pull her into my lap. I lean against a consol so I can hold her and still stay upright, but there aren't any important buttons on it, so I ain't too worried about it.

River pulls her knees up to her chest, tears just pouring down her small face and shaking like a leaf, I started rocking her back and forth. Back and forth. Again, and again, over and over.

I know it's selfish of me, but I can't help but want to hold her… I pull her head down and rest it on my chest, whispering soothing things to her hair, letting myself smell it in the process. Too bold of me, I know… and if Simon ever saw that, I'll bet he'd kill me for it, but I still can't help it…

After a few minutes, I notice she ain't shaking anymore, but she's muttering to herself.

"It's the forest," she says quietly, "the forest that calms the river, keeps the river from going stark wild. She would, too, but he's there…"

"Hush, now," I say to her, hoping it helps. I don't think it does. I don't think she can hear me.

"No one knows… I can't say… the river entwines with the forest. Together they are one, whole and complete. They give life, make life, sustain and protect. A forest like body, a river like blood… the river runs and winds around and through the forest. Strong forest, holds the river…"

What was that?

"I can't say… I found it." Her voice changes slightly, and I know that the moment is passing. Now, when she speaks, she most likely speaks to me… "Heat makes the ice become a river, or River, however you'd say… and in it's rushing the River can also make heat. Then… there's the forest,"

I smile, "You mentioned something about that, little one,"

I feel her smile against me, "Yes, I thought I might. The forest and the river can't live without one another, and yet they can also never… never be one…"

* * *

Finally, I felt it pass. That one really wasn't too bad. It was very cloudy, but… not nearly as long. And I'm where I always am – in his arms. It's like always knowing where you are when you wake up; a very nice feeling. 

Only trouble is, I would rather not leave.

Hmm. I'll see how far we'll go here.

"What do you mean, never be one?" I hear his voice in his chest.

"Forests are longstanding and have many years over the river, and the river is always changing and new. They'll never make it."

I feel a hitch in his breathing. Something is different… No! I won't check his thoughts…

"You mean," he says, "The forest is too old and the river is too young?"

"Never old," I say to his chest, absently stroking part of his sleeve. "It's just that… rivers are restrained, you know. Banks hold them in, keep them back. Dams do, too. Everything, it seems, is made to keep the river from the forest. The forest, tall and noble, will never move to the river, for fear of the bank making it give way and falling into trouble, but the river, if it were free, and had the forest's… permission… it would fill the forest, binding them forever…"

There's a long silent pause between us. I frown to myself. I know something I said upset Mal. I know, because I feel his breathing speed up. I may not know what he's thinking, per se, but I can feel that he's suddenly filled with anxiety. Maybe I've pushed too far…

After all, my patience isn't what it used to be. It's slowly fading… I told myself I could be patient – and I can! – but when I'm in his arms, it fades, and I'm suddenly not so patient. I know I need to move away before I lose all my patience… but, before I can move away, he asks me something I haven't heard him ask me in a very long time.

"You're not… you're not in my head, River… are you?" he asks softly.

I pull up and look at him straight in the eyes, "You know I'm not." I sound snappish. Who am I upset with, him for asking or me, in general?

All the same… there's an odd look in his eyes…

And without me even thinking about it, THE question is in my thoughts.

* * *

Okay, so I shouldn't have asked. All around, it was probably a bad idea. I'm known for bad ideas… 

She said she wasn't in my head, but she seemed angry that I asked. So, she sat up to glare at me… If she only knew… her face falls, sad, pulling at my heart.

"I'm sorry, little one," I say to her, before I even realized I'd said it, "I know you don't go lookin'…"

Then her face, so sweet, brightens and she smiles at me, "Its alright… and thank you for… considering my feelings. No one else does." in a flash, she's wrapped her arms around my neck.

Her arms wrapped around me, her hair in my face, that flowery scent in my nose, and her chest against mine… I can feel her heart beating against my own… I can't fight against this much _River_ all at once.

My face, of it's own accord, buries itself in her shoulder, and my arms, shaking, pull up and wrap around her back, pulling her closer to me.

And, of all things, she doesn't pull away.

Gorram girl! Why can't she just… pull away?

* * *

I… I… feel him… I didn't mean to hug him, honest I didn't. I just couldn't help it. He really is the only one that remembers I have feelings… well, perhaps not the only one, but sometimes it just feels that way. 

Maybe it just feels that way because I love him so much.

I… what? I love him? This is a surprise. I love him? I guess I do. Maybe that's why I hugged him. Interesting… this suddenly explains a lot of my actions lately. Like not wanting to let go of him.

And when he doesn't let go of me… he starts hugging me back… it gives me shivers! I've… I've never felt that before. His face is in my shoulder, and he's holding me close… I can smell him… very musky… the mighty forest meets the river…

Sensory overload! I can't stop it!

The question, the one I've been aching to ask him for far too long… it's there, strong. It must be asked now, or I'll unhinge! I wouldn't ask it, no, for it's too soon to be asked. Far too soon… I'm lacking the evidence of truth and honor I was seeking. No evidence means no support. Fear. Support weakened by fear – that's not good… systems overload. Systems can't search now. Too late. I've got to ask him – now or never.

And still, I don't want to move from our spot. Instead, I move to his ear…

* * *

"Mal… would you teach me something? You once said all I had to do was ask," she whispers to me, her mouth close to my ear. It sends conflicting signals through me… she's so close, it's almost sensual, but her voice is clear and rings with an innocence that clears my thoughts. 

I am so going to that special level of hell Sheppard spoke to me of.

With a sheer force of will, I remove myself from her and sit back. I manage a smile, however unsteady. "Yes I did… you know you can ask me anything."

"Anything?" she looks really uncertain.

I nod, "Anything at all, little Albatross."

She closes her eyes for a moment. When she opens them, she's looking straight into me and it's just... amazing.

I can feel that she's almost tryin' to share a thought with me… I know if I could do as she does, I'd know what that was. And she smiles, knowing what she's doing, and knowing that I know she's doing it.

Part of it all makes me feel better than I've ever felt before, but another part of it scares the hell out of me.

She's trembling, now, and reaches a hand up to my face. I feel paralyzed for a moment, half hoping, and half disbelieving. She just places it on my face and smiles softly.

"Mal… will you teach me? Teach me… to love you?"

* * *

I've never been so nervous before. Nervousness, this raw and frightening feeling, is new to me. Perhaps it's because there's so much risk now. Well, I've been nervous, but not for any reason such as this. And… there's more… relief? I think so… for regardless of what comes, he knows.

My heart can breathe again.

I feel part of my brain wander into the future… it comes and goes, sometimes I ignore it, sometimes I can't. Mal, though… I like to be surprised. I don't want to see what the future has in store for us. This time, though I try to hold it back, a few things slip through into my thoughts…

Secrets… time… patience… joy… struggles… life…

I stop there. I ignored what I could, but… some things just can't be ignored.

My heart flutters. He hasn't even blinked at me yet. Did I overload him? Overwhelmed him? Frighten him?

I feel the pain even before he says it. At least I can take comfort in that this is hurting him as much as it will me.

* * *

"I can't, River," I say to her, my voice sounding distant and small. "We can't… I'm your _captain_…" 

She smiles, "I'm your Albatross. We're each something. You promised me, Mal…"

This is too much, even for me.

I lift her off my lap and get to my feet. She's already standing, and I hear my knee pop. I sigh… perfect timing to remind me how much older I am.

"River…" there's such a pleading look in her eyes, and I look away, "I won't patronize you, here, and tell you that I don't… I mean… Gorammit, River, I know you know what I mean…" I sigh, "I _would_. You _know_ I would. But… aside from the obviousreasons-"

"Simon would kill you," she says calmly. I can't face her.

"Yeah, there's that,"

"And you're worried about propriety," she says again, slightly less calm.

"There's that, too."

"And," she heaves a sigh, "It's too soon since Miranda… you're worried that what I feel might be a side effect of all that… just a crush… since everything is still new to me…"

I make myself face her. To my surprise, she seems resigned, but not sad. "Well, that last one hadn't quite occurred to me at the moment, but yeah, that too. And also, River… You're only eighteen… I'm…" the words hurt me to say them, "I'm too old for you."

* * *

I knew he'd get to that one, eventually. Of all his 'reasons', that's the worst. It's the one thing I can't change or work on. It's a fact… well, an opinion, but also a fact. 

I close my eyes, taking pleasure in the fact that he's still close to me. I can feel that he still wants to be close to me. That's more than what I thought I'd get…

"Never too old, Mal," I hear myself say, "Give me… some time."

This seems to startle him. Did he think I would fight it? I'm not a fool… I know there are somethings you can't fight. Even me.

"Time?"

I nod, "I'm going to be nineteen, soon. Can you… if I was twenty, would things be different? Time for my mind, time for Simon and the others… time for you?"

He lowers his head and shakes it, "I can't believe I'm having this conversation with you…"

"Answer me, Mal," I say, sounding more demanding than I meant to.

"Yes," he snaps, looking at me harshly, "Twenty would be different, alright? But that's some time off, and now you've gone and opened this can of worms here…"

I frown, "I haven't opened anything…"

"Yes, you have, River," he throws his hands in the air, pacing the bridge, "Things are different here, and you know it. You and I… okay, things were fine. Now… Look, I don't want to start fighting with you, like I did with Inara,"

"Is that what you're afraid of? That I'll turn from you, like she does?"

"No! Stop it, let me finish!" he says, breathing hard, collapsing into his chair. After a sigh, he continues, "I won't lie to you, you know I… you know I need you. You're right, things are too _new_. I worry. I worry that time will both save and curse us. I worry that I can't wait over a year… I worry…"

I smile, "You worry_ I_ won't wait a year?"

There's a long pause between us... Mal's now got his face in his hands. It was hard for him to say so much to me. It's hard because he knows that if he's not honest with me, I would probably know it. I won't search his mind, but the fact that I can frightens him.

I frighten him. He's never been forced to be honest with a woman before. I know that would frighten many…

Thank heaven he's not Jayne. I think that much honesty would kill Jayne.

In a blink, his face is before mine, my legs having took me there before I even knew it. I kneel before his chair. I do need the time to grow up some, and he needs the time to understand more of me. For time, I can be patient… but before that, there's something I... I can't wait any longer…

* * *

I pulled my hands away, and she was right there, looking into my face again. I jumped a little. The plain honesty on her features tears right through me. Does she know that? Something in her eyes tells me that she has an idea of what her presence does to me. She gives me that soft smile again. 

"Okay, then," she says slowly, "I think… time is a good thing, for now. I'm patient. You can be, too. Things can be as they were… for now. But…"

I swear, this girl is going to be the death of me. Time? With the crumbling of the Alliance, how much time does she think I'll have? I'd give her all the time in the world… but I can't say I have it to give. Who knows if I'll even live that long…

Then I notice she's inched closer. There's a new look in her eyes…

W-wha? What's she doin'?

"Mal," she whispers, getting closer still, "I will wait… I promise. You're waiting is your choice… but... part of my life was stolen, you know. Things a girl would have, should have had, I was denied. No one… no one understands me, like you do, Mal. Forgive me… I need this, and I don't want it from anyone but you…"

I can't stop her. A whole hoard of Reavers couldn't stop her – what makes anyone think I could?

Slowly, she moves her face right up to mine, and presses a small kiss against my lips. I'm too stunned to move. Her first kiss. She'd never had one, her childhood and adolescent years stolen from her, she'd never had a first kiss. By the way her mouth trembles against mine, I know she's wanted it for too long… she's right, she should have had it. Some young fella should have fancied her and kissed her long ago…

And I'm the only one who understands her. Now, there ain't no one she'd run into who'd truly understand her enough to love her and give her a first kiss, without demanding more from her, that she wasn't ready for.

Without my permission, my own hands come up and cup the sides of her face. I… despite how tempting it would be to press this situation, I won't. This is all she's asking for, for now. Her first kiss. We both need time, but… I can feel her. This is her right of passage. Keeping the kiss as innocent as I can, I just stroke her face and hair. This isn't just a kiss.

My mouth is screaming for more… but I won't do that. Time… we need time… she needs time…

This is a promise, not just a kiss.

* * *

I pull back from him, and I know he understands. We both know. There's nothing to say about it. Still… 

"Thank you," I say. He smiles at me, somewhat shakily. I feel tears on my face. He's watching them fall, but he does nothing to stop them. They're happy tears. I like happy tears.

"One year," I say to him. He nods.

"One year."

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**A/N: So, this was going to be my last chapter... but then I realized that I still had one more thing to do. I hope I don't ruin the story... but I have one last chapter to put up. On very last thing, to wrap everything up. I should have it up by the end of the day, since I've been bitten by a large plot bunny... **

**Please review! I appreciate them so very much!**


	9. Love can make you Fly

**Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the plot... the rest isn't mine. If you've read up to this chapter, then you know that much already. Shiny!**

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**Welcome to the last chapter - I can't believe it's here already - Enjoy!**

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Today was a good day. I got a new dress, from Kaylee and Zoë. Inara sent her love, and a comb for my hair, but I haven't seen her in a long time.

Inara left, returning to do her training. Kaylee had been sad to see her leave, we all had, even the Captain, but Inara insisted. She was needed elsewhere.

A year is a long time. So many things change… Simon, for example. My mind began to heal faster than anyone thought was possible. I will always be a moonbrain, as Jayne says, for the secret of Miranda combined with what the Alliance had already done to me had cause irreversible damage, but I'm much better than I have been in years. Simon seems to have accepted this fact. He gave me a riddle box. I love riddles… I understand them…

He also asked Kaylee to marry him. He fainted after doing so, but he still asked her. They haven't decided when, but I think Kaylee wants to go home and visit her folks before they do. Maybe even marry him there. Hmm.

Jayne… well, some things don't change much. Even in a year. Jayne's still stubborn and obsessed with weapons and women… He gave me a knife set. I like it… I think Kaylee is terrified that I'll use it… or perhaps that I won't…

Oh, I like the sound of that. Weapons and women… I'll have to say that to Mal sometime…

Zoë is softer than ever. Part of my heart still aches for her, even now. She's still strong, our best still, and every bit second in command. Yet… she's still lonely. Were Jayne not so obsessed with guns and whores, I'd try to pair them… but in all truth, I wouldn't wish him on anyone. And Zoë would kill him, for sure, after little more than a month.

And… sometimes, I feel like there's something else in store for Jayne, in the future. Maybe something, or someone to make him grow up. I don't know… I try to ignore the future, until it becomes the present or the past. I live in the present and learn from the past. That's the way it should be.

And the Alliance... Parliament has lost much power in the last year. They tried to chase us down, but… the news of Miranda wasn't the only news to spread around the Alliance. News of River Tam seems to have spread, too. It makes me smile. We had a bad fight, about six months ago… Mal was against it, but in the end I went when he wasn't looking… took out several commanders and captains, leaving the lower men to fuss about what to do without anyone to give orders.

After that, Parliament feared me, and ceased trying to find us.

Yet, thereis now unrest all throughout the 'Verse. People suddenly wondering what their governments are doing… and we have more jobs. That's why I got presents this year for my birthday – we could actually afford it. Kaylee took me aside and told me that it was because of me, all of it, that we had the jobs… I just smiled.

So, while last year my birthday went by nearly unnoticed except for a cake Kaylee had put together for me, this year I received… things. What to do with them? I've never really had my own things…

Wait… I was saying something else about Simon, wasn't I? What was it again? Hmm…

I haven't thought this clearly in years. Truthfully, even I am amazed… I can't remember when I was last able to think so… coherently. But, even so, I'm still not all here at times. There are often things I do forget…

Now I remember what I was going to say. I told Simon the truth. Well, most of it – about Mal. Simon was examining me one day, and it was just the two of us together… we were talking, and I asked him what he would think if I were to… fall for someone on Serenity.

At first, he dropped his instrument – whatever it's called… I don't know, or care – and asked, in that too-careful voice, if I fancied Jayne. I don't know how he could think that… I laughed at him.

Well, then if it wasn't Jayne, Simon realized that there was only one other person it would be. Oh, he disapproved so much… See? This was why I needed the time. He told me everything I knew… and he forbid it completely… or tried to. I explained that I was of age, and I was being nice in asking him what he thought, but I wasn't asking for his permission – I didn't need it.

He wouldn't speak to me for a very long time. It was only in my next examination that he began to come around to the idea. Oh, he disapproved, but he guessed that I could do a lot worse. I know he still doesn't like my idea of who I care about, in general, but…

How could I love anyone else? In a year, I've met several men. Mal really encouraged me to get to know them… I knew it hurt him to do so, but I also see why he did. I tried, for his sake, I really did, but… none of them understood me. I was too odd for all of them, and I usually ended up crying over how they treated me.

And then there is Mal. Captain Malcolm Reynolds. Yes, things between ushas only gottenbetter in a year. He encouraged me to see other men, but I knew he wanted to shoot them all. When they said I was a freak, and left me, I cried on Mal's shoulder. After four bad incidents, I've stopped trying with others. Every day, Mal and I fly together on the bridge, eat in the kitchen, talk at night. It's a wonder we don't dream together.

Things I do, that make other men fear and run from me, makes Mal smile or laugh. Even how I sit. He just… understands me. He didn't, long ago when we first met, but in the last year, he's become… my closest friend.

And I love him more for it.

Love. Love is still new to me. But, I promised him a year. I buried all those feelings deep in me, and haven't thought much of them since, until recently. Now, they call me when I least expect them to. I have been very patient, but now…

I'm sitting, waiting. Mal didn't give me a present today. But… he also hasn't said more than two words to me, either, so I know he's thinking about it…

So, I'm waiting, staring at the entrance from the chair I'm sitting in, wearing my new dress. He'll be securing the bridge for the evening, before Zoë or Simon comes to watch the controls, and then… we'll talk.

I'm twenty today, he hasn't given me a present, and I am tired of waiting.

* * *

It's been a long day. 

River is now twenty. We had a party for her… this was the first year we could actually offer her presents. I would give anything to spare the lives we lost over a year ago in the events that happened, but I can't deny that things have improved for us, financially.

We have more jobs now, which means more money. Having never done it before, Kaylee had to ask about giving River the dress… didn't know if it was proper… how could I say no? Not that I would have, but still…

I've never seen her have such a happy time with the rest of the crew. I'm supposin' that everything was good timing… her mind has cleared so much in a year, and we actually had the time and some money to celebrate… it was nice. I slipped out as soon as I could, without being rude. I was glad to see her so happy.

But it's not far from my mind that she's twenty. It's been almost a year. I don't know what she's thinkin', now, after all this time. I haven't forgotten the promise she made to me – hell, I even encouraged her to go after others, in case her decision was just a crush coming out. But… I know there's never been another. She seemed distressed that I pressed her to go for other men – I confess, I didn't like a one of them, but it did ease the part of my conscious that stored all the talks and sermons I'd gotten from Sheppard Book.She went with them, anyway. It never worked… and then I was the shoulder she cried on.

I could barely look at her today. She's twenty, and if it's possible, she's grown more… maybe not, you know, taller, but… she's grown up more. I couldn't watch her… I would have stared, and someone would have noticed. When she had told me she cared for me – askin' me to teach her to love me – and then made good on her promise of time… she really wasn't awkward at all with me, as I was expectin'. Things really did go back to how they'd been. Strange, really, how she could do that so easily.

It's been a long year… not even a full year yet. She's twenty, now…

I came up to the bridge, knowing that she wouldn't follow me – tonight at least. I just needed to think… I feel more confused than ever.

After setting the controls so I can leave the bridge for abit (I think Zoë will be coming in soon to take over, and they can hold for a bit on their own) I head back to my bunk. Yes, it's been a long day.

I hit the latch, and take the ladder down into my quarters, thinking only of what I'm going to do in the morning. Maybe nothing. It hasn't been a year, yet. Not quite yet. There's still some time. As impatient as I've become, I can still wait… perhaps using the time to observe and see if she's still, you know, thinkin' of me that way…

Though, I've no clue why she would in the first place. I'm too old and… well, it's no secret that I don't deserve River. She needs someone young. 'Course, if she wanted me… I mean, she'd be crazy, but all the same…

"Never too old," says a soft voice behind me as my boots touch the floor, and I suddenly realize I've been muttering to myself, aloud. "And I'm not crazy, Mal."

I whirl around, part of me startled and part of me laughing at the startled part, as I really should have known she'd be there.

She smiles at me from the chair across the room, sitting barefoot and cross-legged in the seat. Not really knowing what to say to her, I just stand there, watching her face. Her eyes are watching me intently, gauging my reaction to her being there – so expressive… It's almost as though I can hear them speaking to me…

I've had time, they say to me, and I've waited. I've done as we agreed, but everything has only reaffirmed what I knew less than a year ago. I'm twenty, and I'm tired of waiting. I tried to love others, but I still love you.

She stands, slowly to show me her new dress – a violet, curvy thing with short bell-like sleeves and a skirt that barely reaches below her knees. She motions to it, as if I had been the one to give it to her. I can't find my voice. Her smile vanishes in the silence between us. Tentatively, she looks up at me, and I meet her eyes.

Okay, if one of us doesn't speak, I'm going to lose my mind.

"H-happy birthday, River,"

She smiles, faintly, "My best friend forgot to give me a present,"

I frown, a little, "I thought Simon gave you the box of riddles,"

Her smile fades, "I said my _best friend_, not my brother."

Oh… I see. I… musta read her wrong… I can feel my chest tighten, and I know I'm pressing my lips thin, but I hope she doesn't notice.

There's a pause before I can get my voice to work, and regardless, I know I can't stop it from shaking, "So… is that what you want, then? Just to be-"

"My present, Mal, yes," she says quickly, "That's what I want."

I… her present? She knew what I was going to say, I know she did… and she didn't want me to finish it.

I'd forgotten her present… Oh, I had it, but… I didn't know if she'd want it… At our last stop, when Kaylee had asked permission to get River a present, I decided to get her one, too. Slipping away from the others for awhile, I wasn't all that sure what to get her. Thinking back to when she'd kissed me, and what she'd said, and a strange thought had occurred to me…

"'s on the small table, behind you," I say, feeling large and clumsy. I don't think I can do this.

But… if anyone deserves this, she does. I will make myself swallow my embarrassment, and giveher this…

* * *

He actually got me a present? Oh… wow. I hadn't thought he had – and I'd been expecting… well, something else. I like that he surprised me with this… and part of me is thrilled that he _didn't_ bring it to the party. 

The box is small, tied with a blue ribbon. It looks like a kind of wood box, but I can't really tell. It's beautiful, even though it's small. I give him a bright smile before I turn my back to him and focus on the present.

I don't lift it up, but instead pull the ribbon off – I feel Mal come up behind me as I do – and set it off to the side. I run my fingers over the simple but delicate carvings around the edge of the box, which is not much bigger than my palm.

Still watching the box, I can also see Mal's hand reach out and collect the ribbon, and feel his other hand on my back, in my hair. I shiver a little at his touch. Carefully, he takes the ribbon and ties my hair back with it, pulling it into a bow – or as best as he can manage. I'm still staring at the box.

"Well?" he asks, softly, "Ain't you gonna open it, darlin'?"

I feel a small laugh escape my lips, "Didn't realize it opened…" I take my fingers under the ridge on the top and lift the top. Two things meet me: one, a small flower is sitting inside the box, slightly scrunched, as the box is just a bit too small for it. It looks like a rose of a kind… Second, the moment the lid opened, a soft tinkling waltz filled his cabin. "Music…" I say, beyond thrilled, "You got me a music box…" I close my eyes, smiling, and just listen to the music and let it sway me.

"Do… you like it?"

I feel tears well beneath my closed eyelids, "Oh, yes… so very much… I never had one, ever…" He's given me music. I love him so much…

I open my eyes to the feeling of his hand on my wrist. I look and I see he's retrieved the flower from the box and is tying it to my wrist with a small ribbon that was hidden underneath it.

"Mal…?"

He smiles, turning me around and taking my arms, "You never had this, either," he says, "Just one more thing the Alliance denied you. Some young man should have, some time, given you a flower for your wrist, and… danced with you. I'm not young-"

I snort a little, "I wish you'd stop saying that,"

"-I ain't fancy by any means, and I can't give you a grand ball, but," a smile plays at his mouth, "I can give you some music, and a dance. That is, if you don't mind it being with a grubby ol' space captain,"

I can feel my eyes burning with the tears I'm trying not to shed. I don't want to cry right now, not even happy tears… I can't even speak, but instead I smile and let him take my hands, and lead me around his room.

I've never danced, so I check his thoughts on how we move. It's nice. Just him and I, together, dancing… I feel… I close my eyes, and I think of the childhood fairy-tales that Kaylee tells me from time to time. I'm in a beautiful dress, my hair beautiful done, and I am being waltzed around a grand ballroom by my handsome prince…

A few tears escape my eyes. I don't think I have ever been this happy. Sheer joy.

I open my eyes and see Mal, watching me closely, a funny lopsided smile playing on his lips. It's not a smile I recognize, and then I realize he's… embarrassed? I think so. He's never danced with me before now…

The tinkling music slows down and stops all together. I watch him, but suddenly he can't seem to meet my gaze. There's a heavy weight on my heart, and I know that if I don't say something, I'll burst inside. It doesn't help that I'm crying in earnest now.

"You… you gave me music," is all I can find to say, before my mouth feels bombarded by a bout of gibberish, "The forest of… such a noble knight… returning the lost and stolen…"

He smiles at me, "You've been listening to Kaylee too much," he says softly, dropping his arms and resting them at my sides, almost afraid to touch me,

I laugh a little, "I know," I sniff and wipe away my tears. My fingers finish and then find their way to Mal's shirt, latching onto his buttons. There's silence between us again.

Forcing my eyes up to his, and I find more words bubbling out of my mouth before I can stop them. I try to stop them, but… I love him so much, and he's been so kind to me, I can't hold them in a moment longer.

"Mal… gorram the 'Verse and all who would stop me, I won't wait for the year, I won't wait another minute – I love you…"

* * *

"…I love you… and if you turn me away, Mal, I swear I'll die…" her eyes are deep and intense as she says the words that startle me so much. 

Her eyes… doesn't it always come down to her eyes? Staring into them, I feel like a fool. How could I have doubted that she ever didn't love me? All this time, all my worries and fears, all for nothing. How could I have ever thought that bounds of her mind or her age would stop her from falling in love with someone? Sheppard spoke to me of hell… but he also spoke to me of believing and of faith. I may still have my doubts about higher powers, but right now, before me, stands a woman – yes, woman – who has placed her faith in me and found love for it. As I stare into her eyes, I know that regardless of what I do or don't believe in, spiritually, I believe in her… in how much she loves me… and in how much I really, truly, do love her.

Perhaps time was what we needed… to erase all our doubts.

My heart is racing wildly, and I can clearly see that we both are breathless from her proclamation. My hands are shaking like a mad man, but I pull them up and hold her face, threatening to lose myself in those beautiful eyes of hers.

"Gorramit, River," I say, my voice sounding rough and deeper than I'm accustomed to, "Spare my soul, hang the 'Verse, and hang anyone else who thinks otherwise, I-" my voice cracks slightly, mere inches from her face, "I love you so much, I can't stand it anymore!"

I've paid my dues, and so I answer the echoing screams my mouth had from the last time our lips met, pressing her lips to mine. Shiny... fiery...I won't hold back this time – I couldn't, even if I did want to.

I now completely feel the spell that River Tam puts upon me, making my limbs move without my permission – she's always made them do that. One hand moves down to the small of her back, pulling her closer to me. The other runs up behind her neck, tangling itself in her hair and grants me better access to her lips.

And River herself, she doesn't waste a minute, either. She's got bother her arms wrapped under my own, curling up and over my shoulders, pressing our hearts together… I can feel hers beating against mine…

No, _with _mine.

Her heartbeat steadies me, keeps me from going beyond what either of us is ready for – we both know this isn't lust – though I do _want _her – and this isn't a flare of passion, bright but eventually fading. This, this thing between her and I, is… well, love. I love River Tam – I know that for sure, now. This is forever… it should be forever, but… this is as new to me as it is to her. Neither of us wants to mess things up now. We want it done right, made to last.

The flare that we have now… well, that's almost a year's worth of frustration from ignoring a truth that ought not to have been ignored. This will steady soon…

But just because we're going to – and how do I even know this about her? I ain't even asked her… I just know… somehow – take things slow, doesn't mean I won't take every opportunity I possibly can to draw her close and feel her heart beating…

Or kiss her brains out…

Oh River… _my_ River… go on, read my thoughts… I am completely in love with you…

* * *

I'm flying! 

His hands hold me, his lips touch me… more, deeper… I know how Serenity feels… Mal's love is so complete, no wonder Serenity flies… Love keeps her up, he told me, so long ago, and now I know he meant it. Love makes you fly.

The only thing keeping me from going over the edge, from completely shattering the fragile connections that have mended my abused mind over the last year and a half is feeling his heartbeat against my chest. I have to grasp his shoulders tightly, or else I can't feel it… without it to let me know that this _is_ veryreal, not an imagined figment my brain has concocted, I would surely go mad all over again…

Neither of us is ready for more than this, just now… I can feel it in him. He desires me, terribly so – heavens, he _wants_ me! – but he's felt desire before, all to shattered and broken hearts. No… this time, we'll tread carefully, making sure each knot is secure before moving onward to the next one. First we needed time. Now, we need strength… strength to survive, to grow, to last… and we will. I know it.

Oh River… my River… go on, read my thoughts… I am completely in love with you… 

I would smile or laugh, but… hmm, there's more important things than that, right now. I tighten my grip on him, kissing him deeper…

I love him so much… it seems illogical that I could love anyone as much as this. I know its love… because he loves me, too.

Oh, and I intend to be selfish. He's all mine.

He's mine… my love, my life, my strength…

My Mal.

Finally.

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**A/N: Oh, I hope you all enjoyed this fic... I sure did love writing it, and I love you're beautiful reviews even more! Thank you so much for all the wonderful support! Once again, I ask you to review - you're reviews inspire me! **

**Now, I expect that many of you will request what so many others have requested on the last chapter of my fics, that I please write more. Well, I can't on this particular fic... it started with River, and it has ended with River. However, I must confess, I do enjoy writing Firefly fics, so if I do more (An idea for a new one struck me while finishing this one... perhaps you all picked up on it, too... I did give a few little hints) then they will happen _after_ this one, meaning Mal and River will be together. I don't know what they'll be about yet, maybe a few one shots, or maybe dealing with some of the others... we'll see. But, I don't often regress in fics - so anything will be from here on out. Just FYI.**

**Thank you all again! Do please review!**

**Lots of love, **

**Marti**


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